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Florida and Texas sinking due to obesity, scientists say

April 8, 2009

Fake news by keito

Increasing American waistlines aren’t having an affect just on health care costs and overall American health and well-being.  The National Institute of Surface Monitoring (NISM) announced this week that, according to a recent survey undertaken by NISM’s Crust Density Team, Florida and Texas, particularly in the coastal areas, have begun to sink.

Though sinking of coastal landmasses occurs gradually over time, and land surfaces in Florida have been known to cave and form sinkholes due to underlying limestone caves becoming hollow from erosion by water, the depression of these two peninsular landmasses is happening at an alarming rate.

“We didn’t know what we were looking at for a long time,” says Arnold Winthrop, head of the Crust Density Team. “But the data we’ve compiled over the last week has made it clear.  It really is frightening.”

After careful review of geological research spanning the last decade, the trend became apparent and the team, after alerting higher branches of NISM, began searching for factors affecting the sinking crusts of the two southern states.

The answer was startling.  Though surface stress caused by the weight of development, such as manufacturing, industrial sites, commercial development and subdivisions, can cause crustal compression, development weight remained relatively steady at 6.3 billion tons in Texas (a mere 1% increase over 5 years), and a steady 3.9 billion tons for Florida.  Natural weathering factors, including flooding, hurricanes and erosion from drought were also found to have insignificant impact after comparison to crust measurements from the nearby states of Louisiana and Mississippi.  NISM then turned to the one factor that had altered: the average weight of Americans living in Texas and Florida.

“I can’t say I’m entirely surprised,” says Robert Flack, Deputy Comptroller of the Texas Health and Population Society, a non-profit located in Austin that has been monitoring the quality of life of Texans since 1978.  “We have put a terrible burden on the landmass here over the years.  Texas has had a reputation for being one of the most obese states, and we are the biggest state in the union besides.”

“Alaska doesn’t count,” he added.

As for Florida, experts blame an increasing southerly migration as the baby boomer population ages.

“Those motorized scooters and bocce balls aren’t made of feathers,” says Winthrop.

Why make an April Fool’s joke when everyone expects it?

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